If you are referring to dating a married man, it feels like sh**

It may seem okay in the beginning, but it is the freeway to low self-esteem.  You have no rights and actually might as well just not exist.  If he dies tomorrow, you can’t even show up at his funeral.

You cannot introduce him to your friends or family – he is a secret in your life and you don’t exist in his.

All your time is “stolen” from his “real” family. You will never see him on holidays. You can’t call him when you need him for emotional support. You can’t go out into public with him. You can’t even give him presents because he has no way to “explain” them. Unless he is very wealthy, he is on a budget and can’t spend much on you either, like meals out, etc.  So you stay in and cook for him. How romantic. And how abused you are.

Remember never to wear perfume or lipstick when you meet with him. It may alert his wife, and, if you haven’t noticed, his wife’s feelings are a lot more important than yours.  That may not be what he says, but watch the way he acts. Who does he go to when he is bidden? You or her? Who gets plans cancelled at the last minute because the other one has something come up? You or her? Who is he afraid of displeasing? You or her?

They may say they’re going to leave their wife, and I guess about one in a million do, but, trust me, it isn’t worth sticking around to see if yours if the one in a million.  If you think you really love him, tell him to call you when he is legally separated and able to legally date you and be seen in public with you. Unlike one of the Beatles’ songs Love is NOT all you need – you need an equal footing with an equal partner.

Tell him to take a hike until he is legally available.  No more cooking in your apartment for him.  No more – I can only stay a few minutes – the kids have a party, or whatever.  Chances are you will never hear from him again – gee, WHAT A LOSS!!  Find a friend – doesn’t have to be romantic – male or female – where you can make plans and KNOW you can count on them and you can show your face in the sun.

No matter what he says to you, you are the LOWEST item on his priority list. Just watch his ACTIONS instead of his WORDS.

No matter how good it may seem at first, you will spend countless more hours crying and feeling desperate, desolate and alone than you will ever feel happy with him.  Usually you don’t even have anyone you can talk to him about as you are embarrassed and keeping it a secret.  You will also have to work hard at re-building your self-esteem.  I know I did – not just because the man treats you like garbage, but because I never saw myself as someone who would date a married man, and it really upset me about myself. I made all kinds of excuses to myself – but there really is no excuse or rationale.  I have just have had to try and forgive myself for going against one of my basic rules in life.

Everyone thinks with their guy it is different – NO, it ISN’T. They are all after sex with someone other than their wife. Mine was also very interested in me cooking for him or at least providing the food (Chinese or a pizza, whatever). When they are done with you or you become too “demanding” (like wanting some of their time), they will drop you like a hot potato. And because you have more integrity in your little finger than he will ever have in his entire body, you won’t do him any damage by calling his wife, etc.  After all, it isn’t her fault that her husband is a jerk. Why cause her grief? I’d like to grab his gonads and twist them several times around, but, you know, he isn’t worth it. I just hope he isn’t continuing to prey on other naive women ..

Now, if you are happy with the “friend with benefits” scenario where you will not get personally attached, etc., maybe it is different for you. But then again, why have this arrangement with a married man when you can have it with a single man if that’s the kind of relationship you’re looking for. At least you’ll be able to call this guy at his home or office. And the two of you are on an equal standing rather than one of you being essentially abused and taken advantage of. Not that I recommend the “friend with benefits” thing myself; I’m just saying that can be had with a single man as easily as a married man.  I still think the danger of becoming romantically attached is too much of a risk.

This is based on my personal experience and believe me, I’m still stuck in it.When people I used to know found out what I have been doing, how I had been living, they asked me why. Until now I have no other answer than “because I love him.”

So if you’re reading these and thinking of trying, please think twice. I know how exciting it sounds, specially for the thrill seekers. Please make sure that once you find yourself in, you’d know how to get yourself out.

“Because I was born to be the other woman, who belonged to no one, who belonged to everyone. Who had nothing, who wanted everything”

– Lana Del Rey


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