“Until we have seen someone’s darkness we don’t really know who they are. Until we have forgiven someone’s darkness, we don’t really know what love is.

— Marianne Williamson

Forgiving a person who has broken a promise or trust can be very challenging, especially if the person is a friend, family member, or part of another close relationship. But what if you were the one who made a mistake. What if you were the one who broke? How will it make you feel?

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“Its hard to stay in relationship when you don’t even know where you stand or what to expect.”

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“It all happened not so long ago. I met him at my friend’s house. He was there on business while I was just there to visit. First time I laid eyes on him I felt dumbstruck. He was staring and smiling at me at the same time. I hear him said ” Who is she? I like her.”

With that being said, my friend went all matchmaker and convinced me to go out with him. I was hesitant at first. Although my friend had already set expectation that he is a family man and he has quite a reputation when it comes to women. Aside from that he was at least two decades older than me and he works for the government. The guy has connections. I was currently in some situation and I need all the help I can get so I made up my mind and decided to go for it.

The first time we went out, drinking. A few questions here and there. When we decided that we were done for the night, he brought me to his new house instead of taking me home. After you-know-what happened, he offered me some cash. Feeling like a floozy, I swallowed my pride and accepted the money. If I was to survive the current situation I was in, I need to be practical.

What supposed to be a one night stand was followed by another night and another and another. He would text and call me and ask me where was I, and I was always available. I made sure I was. I became his constant companion and bed mate. Little did I know that I was already falling for him, seeing him as the other half of a relationship while he just saw me for what I was, his whore.

A lot has happened after that, I won’t go into details and bore you with the whole drama. My point is we started out nothing, so what do you expect the outcome would be?

After a few years we were still together, the reason? I needed him as much as he needs me. Why? I really don’t know. But I tried to leave him. Unfortunately, I failed.

There was a time when we had a huge row. He was so mad at me and I thought it was the end. He didn’t speak to me for two effing weeks and blocked me from calling him. WOW!
So what was I supposed to do that time? I was devastated of course. Miserable and broken. One of the girls in my boarding house comforted me and invited me to go out drinking with her. As vulnerable as I was that time, I obliged.

Then I met this guy, he was with the usual group that became our drinking companions. I had a slight crush on him cause he was the silent type. Just seating there and smiling. Not like his work buddies that were all loud and trying to impress every girl they meet. I got to see him a couple of times with the group until one night, it happened. I was drunk and it went out of hand. WHAM!

When I woke up, I was so shocked to find myself in another man’s arms. WTF! The guy offered to bring me home and on the way he kept pestering me to give him his number so that we can continue what we started and i said “HELL NO!” That was a huge mistake and if I could just take it back I would. I told him to forget about what happened and stay away from me.

I kept that a secret for a few months but I always felt guilty. Eventually, we went back together (ex) and something changed. He was much more sweeter and caring. He kept saying he loves me and how he missed me. I was surprised with the change and it made me felt more guilty. Apparently, it did not take long for him to find out the truth. He knows when I’m lying and he can sense that I was keeping something from him.

We started to fight and he keeps on convincing me to tell the truth. I told him everything after quite some time of denying. He promised that if I just tell him the truth everything will be okay. That we will start anew and forget all the past including all of our mistakes. So I gave in. He was devastated and so much hurt. The first four months was hell. We keep on fighting and arguing over and over again about the same issue. He never got over it. Whenever he’s drunk he’d upbraid me with the mistake that I made. Lash me out with the most hurtful words that you can imagine. He would always say that, not just because he was a womanizer I should do the same just to get back at him.

I tried to explain, he never loved me before. It took him 2 freaking years just to realize that he love me. All those years, I stayed faithful and loyal to him. Even if I was always hurting. He never appreciated me. He would just call me when he wants and needs me. When his others were not available. I was always there. I kept hoping that everything will change. That he will realize my worth and that he would love me, but he didn’t. I have to make a huge effing mistake for him to realize it and now he’s just so mad and it’s still my fault. He said I was forgiven but he can never forget. It hurts so much.

A lot of people told me to just forget him and move on. After everything that’s happened, there’s just no way that we can be together without my mistake getting between us. He can never forget. He doesn’t even trust me anymore. But we both tried to get rid of each other, and yet we still find ourselves together. The love is there, actually it’s much more fiery than it was before. But how can it be sturdy without the most important component of relationship. Trust. There’s no more trust to begin with. How do we start anew? How do we continue?

We’re still together, mainly because we just can’t forget. The love is so strong between us but is it enough?

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